Here the precise thought to which "eliminating" refers is doubtful. Also, the words "only" and "now" are not well placed. Coherence would require some such arrangement as follows: He is a good executive but now has only ten thousand shares of common stock, a fact which, as long as the other stockholders are combined against him, will eliminate him from control of the business, which is unfortunate for the business.
While the antecedents of the pronouns thruout this revised sentence are now more clearly indicated, the last clause, "which is unfortunate for the business," is a thought which seems to stand apart from the central idea of this sentence; there is consequently a violation of the principle of unity. Greater clearness would be gained if this clause were stated as a sepa rate sentence like this: "It is unfortunate for the business that he is not now in control of it." Or, "His loss of control is unfortunate for the business." In the revised form of this sentence, words and clauses are placed nearer the word or words to which they are closely connected. "He only has ten thou sand shares of common stock now" in the original might mean that he alone controls that many shares. "Only" refers to "ten thousand shares" not to "he" or to "has," while "now" modifies "has." As a gen eral rule, modifying words and phrases ought to be placed so that there will be no doubt concerning what they modify. That is the main requirement of co herence, as already stated. Sometimes coherence re quires a change in construction rather than a change in arrangement, like the change from "eliminating" to "a fact which will eliminate." The diction in the foregoing sentence might be im proved. For instance, "but now controls" (or owns, as the case might be) would be more definite than "has," while "will keep him from control of the busi ness" gives the intended meaning more exactly than "will eliminate." Still further revision, with a view toward securing more exact expression of the meaning, would produce this form: Altho he is a good executive, all the other stockholders are combined against him. Since the common stock he now owns —only ten thousand shares—is not a majority, he will lose control of the business. This will be unfortunate for the business.
9. Emphasis.—The principle of emphasis, if prop erly applied, also helps the writer to make his mean ing clear, and arrangement is one means of applying this principle. An emphatic sentence is a sentence so
constructed that each of the various ideas is given its proper importance. The two most emphatic posi tions for words are the beginning and the end of a sentence. Within the sentence, the most emphatic position is immediately before a long pause; the longer the pause, the more emphatic the position. Some times emphasis is gained by making a separate sen tence of a statement instead of making it one part of a long sentence. The last revision of the long sen tence quoted in the preceding section will illustrate this point. Another illustration is to be found in the unrevised quotation in Section 7, which reads as follows : The general supply is low. The market price is now some what higher. But we are still selling for immediate shipment a limited quantity at the old price to a few of our old customers.
In this quotation, the fact that the general supply is low is emphasized by being placed in a separate sentence. To make a separate paragraph of it would give it still greater emphasis. The com bination of these three sentences into one, as is done for the sake of unity, tends to throw greater em phasis on the fact that a limited quantity is offered at the old price. Yet, if the writer desires to empha size the fact that the old price is made notwithstanding the fact that the market conditions of supply and price are what they are, probably it is better to have the three separate statements than the one sentence. The logical relationship between the three statements is apparent without the aid of connectives. Thus al ways the impression desired governs the application of rhetorical principles.
The last of the three sentences quoted above affords a good illustration of emphasis. If it were desired to give greater emphasis in this sentence to the fact that this price is being made only to a few old cus tomers of the house, and if at the same time it were desired to give greater emphasis to the fact that a limited quantity is offered at the old price, the sen tence should be worded like this: But to a few of our old customers we are still selling for immediate shipment a limited quantity at the old price.